NinjaAlchemist-Kioku

Hey y'all.
I guess it's been a while. Once again, a lot has happened.

The past year in a nutshell:
Ethan started talking to me again.
I quit Music Ed.
I added English with a concentration in Creative Writing as a second major.
Ethan stopped talking to me again.
I made it to senior year of college.
Chris graduated college.
Oh, and I'm engaged.

Yup, you read it right. Engagement ring and all, my darling Chris proposed to me at the top of Pikes Peak near Colorado Springs the weekend before school started. So as of now, I've been engaged for about two weeks.
Before you ask, we haven't set a date and I haven't thought about my wedding dress or the colors of my wedding or what my reception decorations are going to be, ect.
We're too broke to have a ceremony right now (he hasn't found a job yet and my student loan situation is... abysmal, at best) and we don't mind a long engagement.
We aren't, however, too broke to be legally married... And due to our financial rut, we're actually considering getting married but holding off on a ceremony because it would help me financially and once he gets a job, if I'm his wife on paper I can get health insurance and stuff like that through him. So it might be financially safer to get hitched here quick and party it up later. But we don't know yet. We're still discussing the details (and by discussing I mean not talking about it at all and taking long afternoon naps instead)

Aside from all the gushy romantic stuff, there isn't much new in my life.
The whole English major thing is pretty cool I guess. People think I'm an overachiever again, which is nice. No fun being a slacker.

Um, I won't bore you, dear reader, with anything else from my dismally monotonous life, but thanks for sticking with me so long and actually reading my posts and shit.  

Much love,
The Future Mrs. Benton
<3

<sub>Sup.
It's been quite a while since the last time I've posted here, huh.
A lot's happened in the past few months.
I went to Ireland.
A wonderful relationship ended.
I'm considering changing my major.
I gained 20 pounds. (?!)
Another wonderful relationship has started.
And all of the other usual stuff.

We'll start from the beginning. Ireland was awesome. I didn't really get to meet any Irish folk but the country is gorgeous and the people out there are really nice... and the accents are fun :3 I'll tell you what though... You should NEVER give a group of 200 college kids bottomless wine. EVER. Jussayin'. Either way, though, Ireland was incredible. If I could live in another country, it would be Ireland. Maybe if I'm not uberly lazy I'll post a few pictures.

Ethan and I broke up. And it sucks. And it was all my fault. I mean... we weren't working anyway. That's not an excuse, but there were a lot of things we kept denying about our relationship that was ultimately making us weaker and weaker. I broke first. And it all would have worked out kind of okay if it wasn't for me and my dumb ass and my poor decision making skills. So I ended up hurting someone I cared and still do care so much about. I wish I could take it all back sometimes. Go back and think before I leap for once. I can only hope that one day he'll forgive me and I can have him in my life again. He is so special to me... and I only want him to be happy.

Gaaaaaawd so school just sucks now. I hate going. It's been too damn long since the last time I walked into a class and didn't walk out afterwards feeling like I didn't learn anything or that I'm a miserable failure. My Sophomore interview was a mess... I was so nervous that I couldn't even complete whole sentences and the events leading up to my interview I'm pretty sure has lead the Music Ed faculty to think that I am completely incompetent. I don't think I'm cut out to be a music teacher. I'm too shy, I'm too insecure, and I have too little confidence in myself and my abilities. I would make a horrible music teacher. I would be doing the kids a disservice by being there. I'm just frustrated... it's hard not to feel like the whole world is crumbling around me.

Yeah. I'm at, like, 117lbs right now. Now it may not sound like a whole lot to you guys but it's to the point where none of my pants fit and there are stretch marks on my legs and breasts. I am an itty bitty person, I was not meant to get this heavy. And it disturbs me a little bit. I am ashamed to go out in a bathing suit or wear tight clothes or eve look down at something because my double chin gets exposed. This is no exaggeration, either. It's freaking me out. I did recently find out that I have an extremely mild case of hypothyroidism (my thyroid isn't producing enough of the hormone it releases to regulate my metabolism) so that may be contributing to some of the weight gain... I just need to start being more active, I guess... :/

I suppose the only thing that seems to be going right for me now is Chris. He's been my best friend since my second semester of college, and he was one of my first friends when I moved out to Colorado. I never made much of our relationship; we had a class together, we danced together on Friday nights, and he was always a kind and objective ear when I needed to just bitch. Then something changed. I dunno what it was or if I even realized it even existed but there was SOMETHING there. I may have ruined another relationship because of my dumb ass feelings but there is something to be said about entering a relationship with a person you have known for a while and were JUST FRIENDS with for a while. That's a first for me. And so far... I don't regret a thing. I see this relationship going places. I just really hope I'm not just talking out of my ass.

The usual stuff. Hmm. I don't have a job. I can't pay rent. I can barely feed myself and my cats. My parents are still homeless. My dad just got diagnosed with diabetes. They are still unrightfully being denied government assistance. I still have yet to find a place to live next year (I have to move out of my house by the end of July...). My loans and grants for school BARELY cover tuition and the school's health insurance. I still don't know how I'm going to pay rent. Shit sucks.

I'm so close to being pushed over the edge. I can't remember the last time I have been completely happy. I can't remember the last time I wasn't constantly worrying about something. There is very little out there that makes me feel like this miserable existence is worthwhile. I can only hope that someday, just maybe someday, things can start going right for once.

-KM</sub>

<sub>OKAY!
So I'm actually doing something with my life now. I opened an Etsy Store.
I'm selling custom painted shoes, in which I will upload samples here in a bit.
I bought a pair of cheap canvas shoes at Wal Mart and some sharpies and went to town... and it ACTUALLY came out kind of cool! And I need money to pay back debts and for school, so why not?
More details are on my Etsy store at www.etsy.com/shop/KaesCustomSh… C: <3

So, now for real life.
Once again, things are weird. Money is still tight and life doesn't seem to be getting any better.
My dad is going into heart surgery within the next couple of weeks to fix his aortic valve, which seems to not be working correctly. I'm worried about him. I hope everything goes well. On the bright side, I'm very glad he's finally getting help for his numerous health issues. Next stop - his skin cancer. He'll be healthy soon! C:

My mom also has a job now. It's great, I can tell she's getting a lot better mentally.

Then there's me. I'm sick of school, I'm sick of marching band, and crazy bitches want to spread lies about me to try and ruin my life.
(It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not.)
Money is tight, and I'm still 500 miles away from the man I love.
But on the bright side, I will be visiting him for Thanksgiving. I miss him so much all the time.
But he's thinking of transferring schools to CU-Denver to pursue Audio Engineering. And that brings him approximately 440 miles closer to me <3

Anyways, buy shoes!
Love, Kae</sub>

<sub>The beginning of this year has been pretty screwed up.

Things are just weird. This is a weird time for me right now.

One of my loans got denied so I am broke and don't know how to pay for school or rent. Or food. Yay.
But at least I get to keep my cats. They're out of NM and they're happy fat cats here in Colorado with me
I don't know what to think of my roommates. Or what they think of me. We all pretty much ignore eachother. They're like bffs and I'm just like hi, I live here. -___-

My parents moved up to FoCo too. That I am not too pleased about. But they're not living with me and I am still independent. Which is good. And they're doing much better. Which is awesome.

School is insane and stressful. I'm taking 19 credit hours and I'm in five ensembles (not including the trombone quartet I'm in). Including the Loveland Orchestra. Our first concert we played Rimski-Korsakov's Scheherazade. And I got the 2nd Trombone solo in the second movement. It. Was. AWESOME. And now we're playing Holst's The Planets. And it's insane. And awesome. It's a blast. But that also means I have ZERO free time. Oh well.

Anyways, I drew some stuff. So go look at it.

Kae</sub>

<sub>...Yeah. I pretty much wasted my summer. No job, no home. Just sat around in my misery and played videogames.
At least I got to do so with my sweetheart.

Lots of Pokemon and Oblivion was played. I had to help my parents out of a few sticky situations and eventually ended up having to bunk with a friend since I didn't really have a place to stay anymore. But it all worked out. And it also means I got to spend A LOT of time with my man. Making up for the time I don't get to spend with him while I'm away at school.

Anyways, I go back to school in approximately two weeks where I will be moving into my house with two girls I don't know. But I get to take my cat. And my snake. Whoo! I start Piano Camp the first week of August and Band Camp on August 14th. I can't wait - I'll be getting my Bruce name!

So I never wanted a premium membership until they started enabling name changes... I put too much work into this account to want to create a new one but I am a broke college kid that can't afford a membership. The thing is that I won't be on here enough to put a membership to good use besides changing my name. So DA should consider letting us pay for a name change separately and cheaper... or not making us pay at all! At least for the first name change, kinda like they do on Gaia and such. The reason I rant is because I made this account like 5 years ago and my name... well, lets just say it reflects a younger, less mature part of my personality. Hehe.

Whelp. I guess that's all I have to say.

Laters.
Kae</sub>